Shattered
by the storm inside of me
Summary: Jade's problem started out small, but now she's found herself in the throes of an eating disorder. When Tori finds out, she does what she can to help, but she's scared that it might not be enough. (TW: Mentions numbers.)


_These things always start out pretty small._

_Just wanting some control. Just wanting to lose a little bit of weight. And maybe even wanting to be healthy. Then one day you notice that it's not healthy. You try to place where it switched, but you aren't sure._

_It simply happens, and you lose control. It takes over everything, and you're not sure what occupied your brain before you had this._

_You think you're fat but you know you're not._

_And that contradiction shouldn't make sense, but it does._

_You're losing weight. Your clothes don't fit how they used to, and before long you'll be able to fit into clothes from the kids section because you're getting that tiny._

_Sometimes the mirror shows you the truth, but you can look at it again just moments later and this time it's lying. And you're not quite sure which is the truth and which is the lie. There's fat everywhere. You want it off. You want this cycle to end, but you're powerless to stop it._

_Some days you'd like to recover._

_You try._

_Allow yourself to try to eat what you want to for a day. Try not to count calories, but you can't._

_Your mind is always telling you it's not okay. It's bad to eat too much. It's bad to eat over your limit._

_Then the limit starts lowering itself._

_That's when it's the problem isn't so small anymore._

_Even though you are._

* * *

_December 27th_

Breakfast: 114 calories  
Lunch: 322 calories  
Dinner: 125 calories  
**Total: 561 calories**

_December 28th_

Breakfast: 63 calories  
Lunch: 0 calories  
Dinner: 350 calories  
**Total: 413 calories**

_December 29th_

Breakfast: 225 calories  
Lunch: 120 calories  
Dinner: 0 calories  
**Total: 345 calories**

_December 30th_

Breakfast: 204 calories  
Lunch: 37 calories  
Dinner: 435 calories  
**Total: 676 calories**

_December 31st_

Breakfast: 2 calories  
Lunch: 258 calories  
Dinner: 535 calories  
**Total: 795 calories**

That is my food diary. Really, it might as well be called a number diary. Something about listing the actual foods scares me. This has been more about numbers anyway. The calories, the weight... sometimes even the specific times.

For someone who can't do math for anything, I really am getting obsessed with numbers; which is sad.

How did this happen?

* * *

The first day back after winter break turns out to be much more eventful than I expected. It starts when a few tears fall out of my eyes at lunch. I'm not even eating. I wish I was, but I can't eat in front of so many people, which is why I'm feeling so emotional and stressed out.

"Why is Jadey sad?" Cat cocks her head to the side like a confused puppy, causing all my friends to look at me.

"It's fine."

"Are you sure?" Tori asks.

"Yes."

Tori gives me a very cautious look but goes back to eating her pizza. I can clearly see the grease dripping down her fingers. It sickens me, but not enough to stop me from wanting to rip the food from her hand and shove it into my own mouth. Of course, I don't do any such things. I _can't. _I get up from the table and walk into the school. I pace the hallways for a few minutes until Tori finds me.

She places her hand on my arm.

"Are you okay?"

I roll my eyes and jerk my arm away from her. (Oh my god, the grease is seeping through my skin, how many calories is that?) "Yeah, I'm great, awesome, fantastic!"

"I love your sarcasm," and the greatest part is that she's not even kidding. I can't help but relax a little and smile.

"I'm okay. I'll live."

"Text me later?"

"Sure, whatever." I nod, not expecting us to actually talk later, since I sure wasn't starting the conversation.

We talk for a little longer until we have to go back to class.

I'd nearly forgotten that me and Tori were supposed to talk by the time I got home, but to my surprise, after I get home, get myself a glass of water and sit in front of my laptop to write more of the script I'd been working on over break, I receive a text from her. "_What's wrong Jade?"_

_"I'm not telling you."_

"_It's okay. You don't have to if you don't want to…"_

I felt slightly disappointed that she was giving up that quickly, so I had to drag this on longer.

"_But I want you to know. I just don't want to say it."_

It's sick and twisted, but I never give people information outright. They have to dig their way through if they really want to be in the know, it keeps me somewhat in control, I suppose. It keeps the unworthy at a distance as well.

"_That's okay. Is it family stuff?"_

"_Nope."_

"_Okay, a personal issue then?"_

My heart starts pounding a little harder in my chest. She probably knows. I've made several comments about my weight - and even hers - lately. And last week when the six of us had lunch at Tori's house and she seemed to be watching me just a little too much... My hands start shaking, well, shaking more than usual, and it makes it significantly harder to type on the sensitive touchscreen. "_I guess so."_

"_Is it like… cutting, or something?"_

"_No, I haven't cut in a while actually."_

"_That's good! Um… do you have an eating disorder?"_

My heart skips a beat. What the heck do I say? My thumb hovers over the words _delete__ thread, _but I don't press down. Instead, I formulate a response that doesn't make this seem like a huge deal.

"_Yeah. It's not that bad though."_

And it's not, really. There are people who restrict to 200 calories a day. There are people who throw up 5 times a day. I just limit my intake and don't beat myself up too much as long as I don't go over 800 calories a day. I'm not really that bad.

"_I'm really sorry. It doesn't matter if it's "that bad", it's still a problem that deserves help. When did it start?"_

"_I haven't lost that much weight. I don't completely deprive myself of food. This doesn't deserve help. It's only been unhealthy for like two months or so."_

"_I'm sorry. That's still too long. I wish I could help you."_

"_I'm pretty sure you'll try to help me whether I want it or not."_

"_Of course I will… I couldn't call myself your friend if I didn't at least try."_

I can't help but like the concern. It makes me feel cared about. I want her to worry about me just about as much as I _don't _want her to worry about me.

I'm not sure how to respond, her words have said a lot already. Part of me wants to go back and try to convince her that I'm fine and that I don't have a problem, but I can't convince her that everything is all right because it's not, and now she knows it.

I close my laptop without any new words in my document, and curl up on my bed and re-read the messages several times until I've almost committed them to memory.

How does she plan on helping me? Sure, it might help to talk about it some, but she can't fix this. And I don't want her to.


End file.
